I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
