we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
