I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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