Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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