a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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