god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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