I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
