I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
