Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
