conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
