The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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