She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
