i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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