I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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