There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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