You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
