I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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