I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
