Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize