I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
