Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
