your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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