i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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