Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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