yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
