Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
