I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
