I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
