Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
