Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
