is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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