Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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