I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
