I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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