ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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