Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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