I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize