she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
