She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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