Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
