maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
