I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
