I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
