Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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