i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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