it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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