Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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