My underwear smells like fireworks.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
