You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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