ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
