omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
