I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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