I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he fucked my hip out of place.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
