All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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