I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize