Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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