You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
