Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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