he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
