I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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