TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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