did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
