u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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